Intimacy is a tricky word. Have we been truly intimate as a couple? I think this might be a “no”. We’ve had a lot of sex, but I’m not sure that it has always been intimate. A lot of it could be considered as “advanced masturbation”, much like a lot of the activity surrounding my acting out. We avoid being intimate with one another as we are scared of how the other will react. I’m needing to take the lead here. I will have to generate the trust and openness. Maybe the door can open… How would it feel to have truly intimate intercourse? Could we cope with the emotions we have for so long kept under control? Would it be as ritualistic as it is currently? For once I’m thinking about her and not acting out. I’ve allowed myself this privilege despite my need to avoid being too sexual. I’m also scared of wanting to act out.