‘Catch’

Last night someone threw a bottle toward me. They (I guess) assumed that I would naturally catch it prior to putting it in the waste basket I was stood next to. They could not have known that it was more than likely that I would drop it or rather, fail to catch it. 

I’ve never been very good at catching things or ball/bat games. I was always told that I had poor hand-eye coordination and, growing up, I was frequently teased and mildly chastised for not having the ability to catch. This was never severe but it was frequent and until now I’ve had little chance or need to bring it to mind.

However. Last night I caught the bottle and tossed it in the trash. I’ve noticed that my ability to catch has improved since I have been in recovery and this is more than likely a result of not holding onto the shame of not being ‘able’ to catch. 

Shame has many facets and this may be small and insignificant but I would suggest that it is representative of the kind of power that shame can have. It’s no wonder that shame drives me to seek an encounter where I feel good (however briefly). 

I’m doing alright at the moment although that is in part driven by the fact that I am responsible for helping an SAA fellow. I also feel remarkably calm.

I’ve also had a family funeral this week. This is a time for reflection and potentially a time for shame to rise. I’m grateful that I was able to be there to support my wife and I’m grateful that I could do what I could. My only regret is that I have not been able to give more support to my wife as I have been constrained by the busyness of my life. 

I have now begun the process of removing myself from the association with the Pentecostal church I have attended for about 16months. I don’t feel bad about this and in fact I feel quite satisfied and relaxed. I’ve still no idea of the future but I think that will present itself in due course. I’m a sex addict and I realise that I must not apply distorted thinking to the next steps. I managed this quite well when speaking with the senior pastor of the church on Sunday. I didn’t try to manipulate and didn’t allow myself to be placed in a position where I allowed my boundaries to be broken. 

I do think I have to be careful and I must respect the fact that my boundaries need attention and that in a lot of cases they are not all that clear. I probably require to do a bit of work on these but that’s another day. 

Leaving Pentecostalism is not the end of a relationship with God and in due course I will define a different way forward. I think that I moved far too quickly after leaving the last church. The addict in me was likely in control and that may explain some things. I’ve come to understand that I need space, reflection and contemplation. I don’t need the dopamine of a feelings based way of worship. I may also understand that I need to step away from the kind of worship that seems just as self centred as the world it appears to want to distance itself from! God has to be ‘other’ and ‘here’ but that’s magical and revolutionary and not a matter for emotion based worship. That’s far deeper.